This Modesty Mess

It seems that in the Christian circles a topic becomes a trend, a hot-button issue, and suddenly it’s everywhere. Currently the Christian blogs are ablaze with posts about modesty. I’m not jumping on the bandwagon, far from it actually, but I want to address some issues I have with a post that’s circulating.

There’s a post currently making the rounds that is an open letter to teenage girls written by a Christian mom of three sons. In this post, she tells of how she monitors her teenage sons’ Facebook accounts and goes through the pictures in their timelines. If she sees a female friend post pictures of themselves that she thinks are “too sexy” then she unfriends these girls. She doesn’t want her sons exposed to the pictures and their purity to be in jeopardy. She doesn’t want them to struggle with temptation. And there are no second chances with this family so if you want to be part of it then make sure your pictures and posts are appropriate.

I have friends that shared this particular post on Facebook and Twitter and wherever else they share stuff. I get it. I know they connected with the part of this mother who is trying to protect her children and to raise them right. But when I read her post here’s what I heard - condemnation, disapproval, self-righteousness, lack of trust, and another helping of condemnation. Is that what the writer was trying to convey? I hope not.

First, let’s talk about Sally. That’s the name I’m assigning to one of the girls that has posted a photo with a pose deemed “provocative” and has subsequently been unfriended. Sally is a teenage girl dealing with all the teenage girl issues. Feelings of inadequacy, not belonging, being invisible, not being accepted, not measuring up, etc. Sally is probably lacking in parental guidance/involvement as a majority of teenagers are today. She’s trying to find her way and the role models that world is giving her are Teen Mom and the Kardashians. You understand her confusion.

Now let’s say that Sally has a friendship with Johnny, one of the sons in the above mentioned post. Maybe Sally even has a bit of a crush on Johnny. She sees he’s gone from her Facebook. She freaks because she’s a teenage girl. Sally sees Johnny at school and says, “Hey, did you dump me from your Facebook”? Johnny says, “Nah, my mom did, she thought your picture was too sexy. Sorry, we can’t be friends anymore”.

What Sally just heard is this: My mom thinks you’re trash. My family thinks you’re not good enough to associate with me. You’re not worth my time. Your value really is based on your outward appearance. Sorry, you made a mistake and it can’t be fixed.

That sure doesn’t sound like grace and mercy and love to me. And I guarantee it didn’t to Sally either.

What kind of impact in Sally’s life could this family make if they chose a different approach? What if mom sees that Sally is crying out for attention and has Johnny invite her to dinner? What if mom gets to know Sally and figures out what is lacking in her life? What if that family could offer her the love and acceptance she’s craving? What if they missed the opportunity to introduce her to the One that could offer her everything?

I have a son. He’s only 5 so we haven’t had to deal with situations like this. But I’m glad I read about it. I’ve learned how I would want him to respond, how I would want our family to respond, and the ideals that I need to be instilling in his life now.

-          He needs to know I trust him. That I believe in his ability to choose the people he associates with. That I think he’s smart enough and wise enough to pick his friends. I may not always see what he sees, but I know his heart and his good intentions.

-          He needs to know that every woman should be treated with dignity and respect, even if she’s not treating herself with any. He has the power to change her view of herself simply by treating her with worth. I expect him to step up and be a gentleman.

-          He needs to understand that he is solely responsible for his actions. He is in control of his mind and his body. He has ownership of his purity. No one can be blamed for any choices he makes. There will be temptations. But if he learns to look on these women as his sisters in the Kingdom then he’ll be more apt to respond wisely.

-          He needs to know he has the mind of Christ and therefore should act accordingly. It’s not an easy path. He won’t always get it right, none of us do. But I’d rather he try to be Christ-like and have a few failures than to be wildly successful at being a Pharisee.

-          He needs to realize that Jesus is the example of how we should behave. If he’s ever in doubt of how to respond to a person, then respond in love.  

-          He needs to grasp the power of his words. In situations like the one above his response carries a great weight.

-          He needs to know that this family does operate in grace and mercy and love. With ourselves, with each other, with everyone. We don’t expect perfection from anyone. God doesn’t expect it from us, how can we hold people to higher standard than He does?

Finally, I’d like to point out that the majority of these Christian blogs regarding modesty are only addressing one portion of it. We’re stuck on the physical appearance. Again, I understand, we’re a visual people. I guess that’s why there are posts about how to make your own swimsuit that covers to the elbow and knee. I guess that’s why there are posts about ladies wearing sleeves in summer because we wouldn’t want to show a shoulder. Really?

True modesty is defined not only as outward appearance but as your spirit and your speech. Uh oh, there’s the monkey wrench. I’ve known plenty of girls who may have been less than modest in their dress but their spirit was right. Their speech was honorable. And I’ve known girls that looked the part but their spirit and speech we’re definitely not honorable. Heck, I’ve been both of those girls at some time. My point is this, maybe instead of worrying about what some girl is wearing in front of our sons, we should be more worried about what she’s speaking into his life. What’s in her heart? And that requires getting to know a person on the inside, not just judging them based on the outside.

Why are we protecting our kids instead of empowering them? You don’t want to deny your child the opportunity to be the change. You don’t want to deny them the chance to make a difference in someone’s life. You don’t want to stop them from bringing someone to Christ, do you?

 

Romans 12:16 (AMP) - Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty (snobbish, high-minded, exclusive), but readily adjust yourself to [people, things] and give yourselves to humble tasks. Never overestimate yourself or be wise in your own conceits.

Galatians 5:14 (NLT) - For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

1 Peter 3:8 (AMP) - Finally, all [of you] should be of one and the same mind (united in spirit), sympathizing [with one another], loving [each other] as brethren [of one household], compassionate and courteous (tenderhearted and humble).